The Biomechanical Beatdown
Is when you do what others ask of you... and then lose because of it.
I saw this post below yesterday on my Facebook feed and it triggered something in me.
I don’t even know if this “James Grant” is a real person to be honest.. as a lot of the photos on the profile look like AI.
But still.. the story he tells is a story that I’m sure resonates with many thousands of couples.
And I felt like I needed to say something based on my own experience because I think I take a slightly different perspective than most given my journey with these biomechanics.
And note that this isn’t about being on the side of father or mothers. I think these types of situations happen on both sides a lot. So I am not taking a side here.
Also, sometimes there are kids involved… sometimes there are not.
But what is often at the root cause in my experience is biomechanics.
Now let me explain.
First let’s dissect what happened here
While there are always two sides of the story… it sounds like James here was trying his best to be a good father and husband.
But his best efforts fell short.
His wife fell out of love with him. Despite him trying to be her ‘ideal partner’.
He’d swallowed his pride and tried to be ‘accomodating’. But rather than this driving his partner to him… it probably drove her away.
It likely made him less attractive in her eyes. While at the same time his declining biomechanics were making him less attractive on a physical level.
She tried to solve for this by making requests of him that she thought would make him a better husband/partner. And he acquiesced because he wanted to make her happy with him.
She thought she was turning him into the man she thought she wanted… but later probably realized that she wasn’t attracted to what she’d created.
I’ve been following patterns like this for years… hell I almost was this pattern.
Reality is this couple probably became ‘Occlivial’
By this I mean that a power imbalance formed. Often because one person biomechanically declined faster than the other.
I explain more what this means here.
Often when couples first form… they typically line up well in terms of the value that each partner brings to the table.
That is not to say that they are both equally attractive.
Rather perhaps one person has a more developed career and earns more money while the other person is more attractive. Or something like this.
It’s not always the case… but I do find that ‘most’ couples tend to line up in value otherwise the partner with clearly higher value will end up questioning the relationship (often before getting married).
It’s just human nature… whether we want to admit it verbally or not.
I experienced a bit of what “James” experienced during the years I was going in circles
I consider that I was going in circles at various times between the years of 2016 - late 2021.
When I was not doing well my natural instinct was to be ‘nice’. In essence because I’d lost a lot of my own sense of value.
When I was more collapsed I felt:
less attractive
less smart
less confident
less social
etc.
And so to sort of make up for it… I became more ‘nice’.
I’d be nice to people even if they took advantage of me. People would sometimes treat me disrespectfully and i’d let it slide. Especially at work.
I just felt and acted more like a doormat and others treated me that way.
And the reality is… that that is not attractive at all to your life partner (ie. my wife in my case).
It put strain on our marriage. Even while I felt I was making the most effort i’d made in the history of our relationship to be a ‘good husband’… our relationship seemed to just deteriorate.
If i’d stayed in that state… I have no doubt that this would have ended in divorce at some point.
Probably with my wife saying something similar to what poor James got… ie. that she “loved me but had fallen out of love with me.”
I’m more of an asshole now and our relationship is better for it
These days my biomechanics are on the mend and I pretty naturally feel more confident, smart, etc.
Most of my friends probably still think i’m a nice guy… but if they know me, they think twice about taking advantage of that.
Because I can have a pretty sharp tongue and let them know very quickly if I think they’re coming out of line. I’m not a person that avoids or even fears conflict. In fact I kind of enjoy it these days.
And when someone does come out of line… i know that I can ‘light them up’ very quickly.. and it won’t ruin my day or anything. In fact i’ll probably be laughing and in a good mood five minutes later… because that’s just kinda how my body works these days due to these biomechanics.
And as for my relationship with my wife… I don’t think about how to improve our relationship nearly as much as I did years ago when I was struggling. And yet our relationship is far healthier in my view.
Because I’ve levelled up the value equation in my view.
You see… I didn’t move up in her eyes by doing the things she asked and becoming the person she was saying she wanted me to be. Rather I pretty much did the opposite. LOL
I’m now extremely busy with my work and do a small fraction of the chores I used to do. I’m probably a bit less sensitive, “caring”, etc etc
But what I did become was more confident and neurologically healthier. Then all the other things just started to fall into line as a result.
In hindsight this is literally the only way I would have saved my marriage in my opinion.
Closing thoughts
You know in high school when it seemed like the good-looking, asshole guys got the girl?
I was a nerd in school… so I definitely remember. And it always perplexed me.
But now I feel like I fully understand it. And it’s not even about ‘looks’.
Rather it’s more about healthy neurology and ‘value’.
The better looking guys had healthier neurology and so women were instinctively more attracted to them. The same will work in reverse in my view. ie. guys will be attracted to women with healthy neurology (eg. women that act like “divas”).
Once you understand the rules of biomechanics and see how tightly the patterns follow those rules.. you stop getting frustrated in my experience.
You’re just like… “oh yeah… that’s why that happened.” Then you smile and get your mouthguard back on… knowing that with time… the rules are gonna work more and more in your favor.
i explored this issue with chatgpt from a diff perspective. the idea is that males and females have different frames for erotic tension/ attractiveness. and for females, there is a zone of optimal erotic tension between safety and excitement. a male is maximally attractive when he is safe enough for a women to relax around, but exciting enough to keep her interest. for males, erotic tension is more stimulus-dependent - how attractive and 'fertile' they look - which is also affected by biomechanics. (this is a simplistic viewpoint, but simplistic doesn't mean untrue. in long term relationships, age, different personality profiles, obv other factors matter)
the problem with 'nice guys' is that they move all the way to safety. women feel safe around them but not excited. as for the 'bad guys', it really depends on 'how bad' they are. if they are violent criminals level of bad, its extremely unattractive. but most 'bad guys' aren't really that bad, or that their 'badness' is initially disguised and only worsens/ reveals itself later when there is already significant commitment.
what biomechanics does is that the poorer it is, the more you move towards safety. you feel weak, declining, etc, so you naturally take less risks, play it safe, etc. and the stronger you get, you feel bolder, more assertive, take more risks - not bad, just a lot less 'safe'.
I find (as a woman), this way of thinking extremely harmful and hypocritical. Pretty much to -preserve- your marriage you need to lie about yourself or pretend to be someone who you are not, not to turn into the other someone your wife wants to be so to discard you once after manipulating you, she realizes that you have changed and you are not the person she married once.
The reality is that people (both men and women) pretend to be who they are not from the very beginning and that’s why many couples explode not long afterwards.
Let’s be honest, nobody likes to be married to a looser, we are animals and we all tend to pick the best ones, but who would navigate the nightmare of being married to a diva or a divo?
G-d keep me away from all the people who believe they are the only worth on earth.